【Vampire】
I read a novel about vampire yesterday, the story is well written. It says vampires do exist in our society, we don't know because they pretend to be human in order to raise chances of getting closer to those victims. They have good looking, sharp-witted, and the ability to live long. When I mentioned these to my friend, she told me she could not trust anyone if it's true. However, when I mentioned vampires have attractive appearance, she said she would love to be the first victim to be caught by one of them. How enormous does appearance effect one's mind.
1 則留言:
About "vampires".
"yesterday, the": This is a comma splice, a grammatical and punctuation error. It seems that you need to learn what a sentence is.
"society, we" ==> "society, but we": Don't forget the necessary conjunctions. If you do, then you have another comma splice.
"their victims", not "those victims".
"They have good looking, sharp-witted, and the ability to live long." This sentence does not have parallel structure. It has to be "They are good looking, sharp-witted, and long lived". "Good looking" is not a thing that one can have. Maybe "They have good looks". "Sharp witted" is not a thing that one can have. Maybe "sharp wits". Notice, please, that both "looks" and "wits" are nouns, not adjectives.
Your final sentence, "How enormous does appearance effect one's mind", has too many mistakes: "enormously" and "affect" are the correct words.
While the English isn't bad, the organization of your paragraph is not good. You start out talking about reading a well-written novel about vampires, but you end up talking about how appearances affect the mind because your friend made a silly remark. Actually, your conclusion may be true, but it's not valid (you'll have to look those terms up). You haven't stated enough evidence in your paragraph to conclude that appearance significantly affects the mind. All you've shown your reader is that your friend is shallow and easily swayed by appearance. There is a great deal of evidence, both anecdotal evidence and scientific experimental evidence, that appearance has a powerful effect on almost everyone's mind, but you don't mention any of it.
Otherwise, your English good enough for business.
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